Right now i'm feeling as though my nerves are going crazy. I feel like crap. I'm really nervous. I'm also feeling like I don't belong. I've been feeling unwelcomed. Right now at this point I really wanna stop going to school. When I walk into a room, I get stares. I don't know why but it makes me feel even worse... it tears me apart that people are already talking about me and giving me dirty looks. Like I don't understand. No one ever gets to know me first. So why judge? I don't really show the pain that i'm in... but i'm in more then I should be. I can't express how much i'm hurting because i feel like no one will listen and no one cares. I've been holding myself together by thinking about the good things in my life. But I realize that the scars holding in and showing the wrongs in my life are coming back. I don't like that i'm using, I don't like that i have sex so i feel pretty, and i dont like that i put myself down so much. i just really wanna be alone... isolated away from the rest of the world. Everywhere i go i feel pain. Everywhere i look on my body i see scars that mean something, each and every one of them have a meaning that only brings back flashbacks when you look at them. I just wish people would realize how much i have changed. but i dont think people will forgive me for my past. i wish they would. i still do drugs, i still fight, and i wanna stop but i dont think i have enough support. me venting on this paper is making me feel like an asshole. im only doing it so i dont have a breakdown. i have to show that im a strong individual. i havent cried in forever, i show my pain by lashing out on the wrong people. i never mean to hurt anyone. i know all i want is for people to trust me. i keep repeating shit on this paper. obviously its really bothering me. i need that one person to save me from myself. i also have one thing that im proud of right now and that not falling into the grip of a razor blade again. ive thought about it but i dont wanna ruin how far i made it. Thinking i wasnt gonna make to 16. but i did. im a fighter and always will fight for what i want. i think me staying strong even though every inch of me is a blackhole of pain. me being strong helps alot of people. alot of people would break if i wasnt strong. like Cole, Ambyr, And My Grandparents. The only thing i feel understands me is this shitty piece of paper and the one i dream about when im high. im a troubled girl and me being at school is making all my troubles show. im not trying to screw up. im happy for myself. i hope sooner or later people will help me and support me. while im here ill most likely keep to myself and hold everything in. I will just go home at the end of the day, lay in bed, and try to cry. i feel like right now i have one foot on the gas and one foot in the grave. im on the road i dont wanna be on. you know Maryjane ave.
Me on that route is asking for trouble and always at the end of that road your in a casket because of an overdose or suicide. it all starts with weed i swear. i dont wanna get worse, but i know its gonna happen. i dont wanna get worse. but i know its gonna happen. i dont wanna run into anymore problems. i already do enough harm. ive got the life of a JUNKIE.
1.) I smoke daily
2.) I'm depressed
3.) I run away from my problems.
4.) I drink
5.) I'm crying out silent screams that no one can hear
6.) I'm not letting anyone in
7.) I'm on the road to being a nothing
Ive never liked the lifestyle ive lived. i really wish i was someone else. me writing all of this down isnt helping. ill probably write on 12 sheets of paper and get no where. im falling apart. the pain is eating away from the inside out. i dont understand why. im a monster and im out of control. ill never be able to live a good life because im always fucking up.
Things I Fucked Up.
1.) My Life because im a out of control person who only thinks about them selfs.
2.)My Family because i tore them apart and put them through hell and ive hurt them in so many ways.
3.) My Sanity because im just going insane without the help of someone who can help me through the pain of withdrawl.
4.) The Family I Made because i gave up the one thing thats really gonna help, and thats my daughter, Destiny. I had to fuck up what i had with her. id be okay if i never gave her up for adoption. shes my motivation.
I dont even know what to say anymore. im on my last straw. i dont like the feelings im having, there scaring me. im scared of myself... and dont know if i should keep crying out for help because if i do ill get myself into trouble possibly. all these thoughts that run through my mind all day everyday are the things slowly killing me. just tearing away at the cover hiding it all. if i go into the community i might lash out... i dont want it to get out of control. i really just want a couple of days to myself... away from everyone. i just wanna punch shit and yell. me coping right now is still not helping! nothings helping. all i want to do is smoke some bud and forget about the life i should be paying attention too. like i said im a monster. i dont consider myself a person! why wont fucking people listen to me. just listen! what the hell im frusterated. im about to give up on all my goals in life. im about to say fuck school,work, family, and myself. if no ones gonna help then why do i even keep trying. i shouldnt try if i dont have a shoulder to lean on or a person to depend on. i dont have anyone or anything... its just me now. im on my own. so i hope that me giving up on my ways of living gets me somewhere good or even makes me stronger then most people. the world around me is crashing down. im in my safe shell avoid what i got myself into.
But the one thing i hate the most is my drug problem. i dont think my actions are going to progress but my tolerance for drugs will get higher and im gonna do myself wrong and fuck up. ill probably move on to something hardcore. something that will make me an actual junkie. if it happens like that then im screwed. ill end up just like my mother and thats the one thing i dont want. i dont wanna be a deadbeat or a crackhead. i wanna be remembered by the sucessful things ive done in life. but for now ill be alone, broken, and not sucessful. i hate that all of this stuff i have held inside is just being thrown onto a piece of paper. its no help. im not getting feedback or advice. all this is are words i only see and understand. not words that someone will see and comfort me while they tell me they understand. if people really cared i wouldnt be sitting in this white square room alone, id have someone here with me giving a shit. im tired of all the hurt and people that dont wanna understand. im sick of people taking advantage of me. i wanna change but since im on my own ill have a long list of events to accomplish. so me doing it alone will take awhile to get use to. im not doing anything good now so im hoping that will change. i hope i find one person i can reach out to and they'll understand. i have one person already and that is my boyfriend, Cole. hes my boyfriend and best friend. hes the only person who really listens. and also hes my everything, i dont know what i would do without him. but he is also so far away. all sorts of shit is affecting me. i know i keep repeating myself but its because im trying to make all the anger, sadness, and anxity go away. its just not working yet. its hard to make it go away and its deff not a short process. i just cant controll my actions anymore so im just going to write untill it works. i have alot to say and now is my time to do it since no one else is helping. i dont have the support i need so i will find a way to supply it myself. im writing some stuff out of anger. i hate when i babble like this. but it just us all hitting me now. i wanna try to be perfect for everyone, but obviously the real me is coming out onto this paper. people dont know i act like someone im not to hide the flaws that i really have that are being held hostage inside the body im in. i really think im fucking up. i know im slowly losing the good things in my life. im just a mess. i just dont wanna face reality...i wanna live lies. its dumb how im thinking that writing on this paper is helping. i know its not so why try. even though everything i write is definantly the real deal. no lies at all. i show the real me at times like this and dont know why. im not really understanding why i do this. i dont know why im seeong if this shit called writing will work agian. it use to work when i wrote but not anymore ever since i started using i havent had an easy time with it. i dont think its healthy that i did this stuff to my body. im bringing up shit that i dont need on my mind all day because once its started it never stops. im just... i dont know. hopefully ill be able to read this to someone someday... just so they can try to understand what i feel every second of the day and to step into my shoes to think about what would happen if they were me. i cant even think straight anymore. im really crying out for help, can you tell? people get annoyed when i do open up or they judge me. i hate that shit. i think that why i feel so low of myself. obviously i really hate being judged. its affects me more then anything. thats why im crashing and falling apart. i feel like im being judged everywhere. i really hate this feeling. i wish we didnt feel pain. sometimes i just wish i could runaway and no one will try to find me. i wish people were alot nicer. i wouldnt have these problems. id think better of myself. people just see me as a junkie, slut, and bitch. those are all labels ill always have. they really affect me. people dont know that words are the main reason for my issues. only if people notice that there hurting me. but sadly they dont. i hate that people never give me a chance. if i had a chance to erase all my labels i would. i would be really happy and not depressed. i wouldnt have these scars, i wouldnt have these drugs in my system, and i wouldnt wanna break down. if i didnt have the verbal abuse i get on a regular basis it wouldnt hurt as bad. people never know how words can really hurt. it effects everyone differently. i take a huge emotional toll when shit happens. i let it affect me more then it should. i really dont know why it hurts so bad. but i feel like shit. thats all i know. i just want people to grow up and leave me alone. it wouldnt hurt like this. i wish i wasnt visible to the world or at least everything would change. this stuff is bringing alot of emotions out. and im trying so hard to keep my cool. im trying to not cry or freak out. its only hurting me. but im really noticing that all of this is the cause of my problems. i just hope that they go away. i wish i didnt have emotions. but all this writing feels good. but its not going to change anything im feeling. alot of people would find this bullshit but not me. its true life for me. its getting intense by each moment. i have alot more to say but i know i will get upset. im taking in so much at once. life would be alot better if no one had problems. i want all my stress to just go. i hope i change some day because my biggest fear is worrying me. i dont wanna get locked up or die. im terrified to die... ecspecially if drugs take my life. i dont really know what else to say...
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